how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
βΆ πββββββββ 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
βΆ πββββββββ 74:36:15![]()
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a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work β it’s not because you’re on the inner circle β it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Marie KondΕβs method really has been magical. Iβm ridding my home of anything that doesnβt βspark joy.β
So far Iβm down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Hey I worked for it too!
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[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, Iβm not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
[seeing anyone after googling something you didnβt know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Haunted house ideas:
-βwe need to talkβ room
-βyouβre being auditedβ room
-βmy period is lateβ room
-βtwo days before paydayβ room
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyoneβs affections are genuine.
BjΓΆrk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
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Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
I hope this email finds you well. But if youβre well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly Iβd feel better if this email finds you unwell.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t evenβ
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Old people be giving dating advice like βfill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their managerβ