how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
βΆ πββββββββ 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
βΆ πββββββββ 74:36:15![]()
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When sheβs rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her whatβs for dinner.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao itβs hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. Youβre a skeleton.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game βRisk.β They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
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Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me βJane Ellen Greenβ (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, Iβd be terrified & take immediate cover
gimma back my stick frost manβ¦ πβοΈ
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Iβm such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cookβ¦ Hubby calls it the βsmoke alarmβ but whateverβ¦I think heβs just jealous.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now itβs just water under the fridge.
i remember as a kid being like βWow as an adult iβll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i wantβ which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as βtwo-biteβ has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
βIβm not really a big dog person.β β lying werewolf
National Margarita Day is like any other day exceptβ¦
βAye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yaiβ
*passes out*
My guy didnβt reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that βyou gotta give them time to miss youβ and now she got a new man
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when heβs on the toilet or if itβs a one way street
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow manβs field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test manβs shampoo
My boss asked me why Iβm late, apparently answering βbecause your wife wouldnβt let me get out of bedβ just gets you sent to HR.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls βItβs Mineβ he hands you an object and when you say βthank youβ he grabs it back and yells βthatβs mineβ
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly itβs not the worst game heβs made up
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, itβs the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the worldβs about to get normal
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout βWHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?β