Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
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Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
In case you needed to hear it:
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.