How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
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Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Always go for the Lonewolf, unless they are insane, then go for someone else.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.