How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
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If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
bad
worse
worst
worchester
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.