Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.

Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.

Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?

You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.

My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.

Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.

bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*

me: thanks

bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*

me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!

Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.

Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?

Date:

Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her

[explaining why we got fat]

Friend: I had a baby

Me: I had a donut

Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.

If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.

I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”

At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.

Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.

Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…

bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century

I get distracted pretty eas

Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out

[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.

“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”

OH COME ON

WAITER: Ready to order?

GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!

W: We cannot

GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH

W: Again no

Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”

Me: How was my snoring last night?

Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT

WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?

SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.

Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?

Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol

Cop: ok at least we know why he did it

I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun

[sees giant spider in house]

[tells girlfriend “I got this”]

[slowly rolls up magazine]

[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]

frog: kiss me, I’m a prince

her: ew gross

frog: you have a problem with frogs?

her: no, with the monarchy

[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more

just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism