“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
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A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Am getting real tired of your crap…
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
emergency phone
D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
I can fix him.
Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her
Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.