How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
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Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN