How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
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Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Drive like no one is watching.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
why isn’t he texting back
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.