Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t

Son: Dad can sand melt?

Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t

Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.

Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.

The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…

My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.

“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”

~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion

Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts

I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.

Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?

me: *gets in the cart* yes.

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.

Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?

Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.

Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.

P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.

Me: Is that a beret?

P: Oui.

My yoga instructor: Do what feels good. Listen to your body.

My body: I want donuts.

Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten

Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.

In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”

I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf

[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine

oh no, steve’s working tonight

My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.

Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.

My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:

I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.

M: *hands you back your baby*

Aw, is he getting too heavy?

M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.

Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger

A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.

Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount

ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.

THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.

Dear teenage kids of mine,

When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.

So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!

Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.