“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
You Might Also Like
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
British people
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
somebody come look at this
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”