Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Gets Pulled Over]

Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out

For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.

This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo

Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*

Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.

First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.

kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs

Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.

Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.

Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.

Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.

Damn chess infection 😕

Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow

-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again

You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.

I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:

My kids don’t live there.

The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.

wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600

*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.

We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol

I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.

ME: I’d like to return this

CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?

ME: I bought it here

CLERK: At Old Navy?

ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!

CLERK:

ME: Store credit, then?

Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.

My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting

The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see

robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest

A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.

“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays

The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”

Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.