“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
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[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen