Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.

Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?

Me: Is that water or vodka?

Him: Vodka.

Me: Empty.

The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.

Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.

Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.

What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us

What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.

What I heard: You should go shopping.

[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]

KID: I’m hungry

DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food

I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then

Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.

The ladies call me Space Mountain…

…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.

Wooooohhhhooooo!!!

archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television

[ during sex ]

Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.

I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on

if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle

Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good

Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.

If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.

me: my parents aren’t home

911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw

By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!

Sponch

Genie: what are your three wishes

Me: make me a waffle

[suddenly I am a waffle]

Me: no, like a waffle to eat

[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]

Me: no! for me to eat

[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]

I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 Pants

For the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks

So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.

It’s also raisin free.

And cake free.

OK it’s just rum

*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again

Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”

Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.

I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.

They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.

who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often