Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket

Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out

Me: Ok then

[later that evening]

Dentist: Well this is nice

My tooth: I’m having a lovely time

I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.

‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker

*gets abducted by aliens*

*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*

*gets returned by aliens*

I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.

a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do

FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE

I yelled at my gynecologist

Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.

Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?

Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy

[first day as Uber driver]

Me: any song requests?

Passenger: no thanks

Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?

Before therapy: I hate people

After therapy: I hate therapists

My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.

[book store]

ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*

CLERK: What is that?

ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.

me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why

Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.

Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?

Asking for a friend…

…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker

Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.

Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?

Her: White male, early 40s, overweight

Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky

We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.

me: waiter, my soup is cold

waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir

me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold

ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this

My wife and I eloped, but a month later we had a small party to celebrate with family and friends. Somewhere on the invitation we wrote, “bring an appetite,” which my wife’s Uncle Jerry misread as “bring an appetizer.” He showed up at the venue with a crockpot of enchiladas.

Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.

Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.

The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…

[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands

In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?

When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.