“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
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Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Friday the 13th used to mean something. Now every day is awful.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
New word: Biscgret.
Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night