How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
You Might Also Like
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS