How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
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If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
The day after Christmas is wild.
I had 6 sugar cookies & a cheese ball for breakfast
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are