How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
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If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
15, driving: [runs stop sign]
me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there
15: but no one was coming
me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION
I’m not built for teenagers driving.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother