How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
You Might Also Like
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Why is everyone getting married at me