Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?

[watching action movie]

*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*

me: damn, I bet that felt really good

I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.

My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic

30’s tall, nice smile, secure job

40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice

*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall

One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches

Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.

“I’m taking a social media break.”

– People who will be back in 7 minutes.

People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.

*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*

the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store

My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”

*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room

Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow

I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)

Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.

My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.

Don’t worry. I never get laid.

All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.

i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels

the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic

HER: yes

ME: cool see u tonight

[first day as a real estate agent]

me: as you can see this is a beautiful house

client: how many floors does it have

me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room

Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.

Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.

HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.

If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..

If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.

Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.

people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog

[ 9 months BC ]

Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”