Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

him: i like athletic girls

me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk

him: not like that

I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.

Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’

Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’

“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.

*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day

without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth

English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.

Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.

Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.

When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question

Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.

You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.

Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.

Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.

Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.

My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked

I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.

PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted

They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”

My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.

I’m laying on the couch.

Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.

Imma just leave this here…………

My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.

Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.

Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.

My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.

My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!