how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
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him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Imma just leave this here…………
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!