Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”

[trying to make a new friend]

…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go

Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself

Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear

Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff

10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”

I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼‍♀️

“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”

-my kids, fact checking me

I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN

There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.

when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?

I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.

No YOU’VE been drinking.

She texted me, “I love U”

So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”

Now my CD’s are missing.

Weird!

Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.

A chihuahua is just a barking cat.

They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.

me watching my own Instagram story

I love texting my boyfriend

Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!

Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd

I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.

We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation

Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…

3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisible

Why you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…

3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done

I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie

Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.

Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*

Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me

Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.

“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?

[asteroid hurling towards earth]

ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule

Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?

Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand

Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?

Me: why?

Her: who vacuums their bed?

Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.