how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article
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Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.