How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
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Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
I attended a workshop yesterday on how to deal with election anxiety and we basically had to make a written plan and most people were like “stay off social media” and I said, “I won’t start fights in the comments”
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon