How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
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“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together