How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
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[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
nobody’s gonna understand
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property