How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
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Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Me: I wish something of mine would go viral.
*youngest comes home from school with the flu*
Me: Not like that.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
At least my masseuse has my back.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Beauty and the Beast
