How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
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Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
My mom texting me from an anime convention
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years