Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars

Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet

Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?

Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?

Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so

Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd

chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.

My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person

Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.

replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground

choose your fighter

good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab

caveman: can I use some of that fire?
caveman who invented it: why?
caveman: im gonna burn glorg house down
caveman who invented it: no that’s arson

[relaxing in my hammock reading a book]

“Hey kids! We need to clean your rooms…come get me in 15 minutes.”

And that’s how you buy yourself a whole lotta peace and quiet😎

I treat people the way I want to be treated by not leaving the house.

* Wins lottery

* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades

The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…

it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too

I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.

I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.

Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?

Him: A scientist?

Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?

Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1838708687193481216/pu/vid/avc1/480x516/Rd_C8wqCRYAprwwf.mp4?tag=12

when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today

I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.

Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times

Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.

WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom

HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?

WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.

a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?

Me: What do you want for dinner?

Child: McDonald’s.

Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?

Child: A Big Mac.

remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s

If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.

The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.