How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
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Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
And now we wait
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”
Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????