How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
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Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
British people
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.