How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
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I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
peep davidson
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Howl 😭
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?