@ledbettercarly

How my mom and I watch Hallmark movies:

“Look at his/her stupid face”
“This plot is so dumb”
“This snow is so fake”

End of the movie: both sobbing

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@TwinSurvivalist

Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.

Woman delivering my pizza:

@TweetPotato314

I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.

@LostCatDog

I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny

@Joydas

Half of Americans must be thinking Gaza Strip is the name of some Strip Club which Israel wants

@zachobeepo

JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film

@blondecalamity

Me: I baked cookies! Who’s the best Mom ever?
Son: Oprah!
Me: Gimme the damn cookies back!
Son: See? Oprah GIVES, she doesn’t take!

@moiragallaga

First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!

@batkaren

ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.

@Alex_N_Chains

I had my appendix taken out as a child. They said it was useless, but based on my life since then, I’m guessing it controls motivation.