I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
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When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again