How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
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They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
it be like that
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Seven wives and no alcohol?
No thanks Mormons.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.