Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*

Phone: *ding*

Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?

does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink

Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.

[first date]

DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths

ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*

I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.

I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro

If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”

After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.

I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.

Resist all the cheese, I can’t.

Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”

Librarian: “No.”

I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?

Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable

My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.

My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.

Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”

Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”

“Let’s agree to disagree.”

TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.

[working in a nail salon]

Me: How short would you like me to bite them?

Me: who ate all the cookies!?

Toddler: it was the ninja

Me: did you see the ninja?

6yo: well no it’s a ninja

“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”

-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.

“I just can’t help myself!”

—paramedic on his deathbed

I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.

You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together

I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.

I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?

[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?

They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle

I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.