How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
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customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
TODAY
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.
Just so funny
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.