Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.

I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to

I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.

Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.

Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to

Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.

Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.

Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.

my astrological sign is a french fry

you’re damn right i have

Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women

vader: i am your father!

luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes

vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?

luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much

vader: i swear, i nev-

luke: you make me sick

Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over

im gay on my mothers side

If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.

It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.

Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.

My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.

waiter: bread for the table?

me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)

Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.

yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.

I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?

Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities

Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?

I bought a metal detector.

Beach better have my money.

Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.

You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying

Me: I’m going for a walk

Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?

Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk

I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.

Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.

Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.