How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
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<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this Arby’s immediately.”
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
