Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.

Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.

“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”

PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.

genie: are you sure?

me: just do it

*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*

well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon

Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes

Everyone: *freaking out*

Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours

Everyone: *calms down*

Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff

Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.

Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.

this is the best interaction on twitter

Passwords are more important than ever.

[How the rap feud started]

Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?

2pac: sure, no biggie

Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]

Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over

I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.

In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.

Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.

But like, scarily. Or whatever.

“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”

I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub

the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire

No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.

She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.

Accidentally asking a complete stranger what they fancy for dinner, as your partner’s quietly wandered off to a different part of the supermarket

there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him

The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.

Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.

I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.

Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.

Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.

Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.

My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.

As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.

People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.

My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.

I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too

Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.