How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
You Might Also Like
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.
Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.