How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
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Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
sorry I’m late, my dog was sleeping in the shape of a donut and I had to take 175 photos
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”
—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”
dude was born in 2018.
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