Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun game:

Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours

Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?

Take away its tiny brooms 🧹

[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park

I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”

Sir. 😑

[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking

ME: Yeah, he’s interbred

DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread

I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.

Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof

*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?

WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies

[4 hours later]

Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes

Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg

Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”

Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?

Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

30 minutes was not the right answer.

I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…

Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.

Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏

Me: You have bruises??

Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.

Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.

5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids

Me: it’ll be me

5yo: eh, probably not

Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph

Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”

I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.

My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami

My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.