How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
You Might Also Like
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer
*temp reaches 95 degrees*
Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
(yawn)
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder