“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
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An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Was it something I said?
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”