“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
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Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
who wants to go expliring
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child