“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
You Might Also Like
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*