“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
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[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Labreador
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once