“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
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I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Mistakes were made
“This Tweet has been deleted.”
A thread 🧵
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.