Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.

My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.

You are not your own worst enemy.

You have many more enemies.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread

[stumbles out of bar with girl]

We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby

– How was school?

4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions

– laughs
– oh honey

– nobody would name their kid Trenton

11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you

– cluckbait

🤣

The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.

After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this

I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.

I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes

“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon

Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”

Bank: your credit card payment is late

Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate

Bank: what

Me: nothing what do I owe

I’ve just had to let my trousers out.

They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.

How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine

A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?

I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.

Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar

Friend: That’s foreboding

Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me

“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead

My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.

I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.

*changes phone default notification sound*

my dog when i have a friend over

“Pass the joint.”

-Cannibals at dinner

We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.

Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.

Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?

10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.

“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.

SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men

HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool

SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth

HOBBITS: WOW