“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
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my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.