How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
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7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”