How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
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I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.