How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
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Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
A short story of betrayal:
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.