How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
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Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.