How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
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Lmao 🤣
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.
Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.