How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
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I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.