Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around

Movie Law:

All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”

There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.

My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.

whatever you do don’t give your heart away for christmas, this one dude never got his back and won’t shut up about it

Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.

I camp so other people don’t have to.

Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.

the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”

Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?

He replied….chicken.

Thank god he is good looking.

If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.

Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.

Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.

blocked.

One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.

Anyway he didn’t call.

“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”

Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.

Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say

[bank robbery]

OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money

every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste

I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage

My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.

People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.

Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.

This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.

cats when you pet them too long:

[Using raccoons for a heist]

Pros:

• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfit

Cons:

• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

[at my funeral]

pastor: hey this casket is empty

me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries

*serious situation*

My brain: