How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?
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Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
#TopTip
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage