How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?
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To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”