“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
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Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
[slowly crosses McRib off my manifesto]
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Class: you want us to what
Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
The lady beside me at the airport just pulled out a whole block of marble cheese and started gnawing on it. Frankly, my emotions are mixed
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.