“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
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Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….