Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.

WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?

*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”

“Is it in yet???”

-My ATM, mocking me.

If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.

My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.

Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house

I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats

The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me

Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice pack

K2: *fever*
SN: Ice pack

K3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice pack

K4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack

I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.

I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.

My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”

I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.

I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye

“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion

Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.

Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.

Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.

The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.

Brat summer is out, attic wife autumn is in. We’re hissing at people. We’re withdrawing from society. We’re growing our hair below our waist. We’re setting fire to his curtains. We’re gaslighting his new side piece.

Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.

What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:

1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake

I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:

Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.

And then he walked away like it was completely normal.

To all newly married guys…..

If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.

*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile

me: I’d like some ham please

server: ok how much

me: I really really want it

Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”

[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!