Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.

Choose your own adventure:

S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P

Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?

Me: There’s a fly in my soup.

Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.

*puts a spider in the soup*

Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.

Looking for a new spicy potato chip?

-Hot Pringles in your area

Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.

I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants

Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.

“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s

Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot

Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.

I used to have dreams.

Now I have Doritos.

I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.

I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.

I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.

At McDonalds

Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them

Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap

anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship

I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.

I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱

“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”

– The AutocorrExorcist

Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.

Obvious red flags:

*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind

*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows

*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer

I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.

It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.

I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.

Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.

I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.

I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap

Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.

Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”