How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
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I’m no good at the pole vault either.
*me flirting
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Simple
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
He’s been in and out of rehab for 15 years, has had multiple run-ins with the law, eats human flesh and never sleeps. Women: I’ll fix him.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
I need a long hot meteor shower
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair