Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.

9: Can I rent an otter?

Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?

Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…

Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁

Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.

Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.

Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….

Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…

…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak

The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.

I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.

My kids, writing negative political ads:

Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.

Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.

Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.

Almost just got hit by an ambulance, which would have been handy I guess.

Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.

Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes

Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!

[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!

Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago

I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.

“Hey. My eye is up here.”

– hurricanes

I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?

Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers

Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon

I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…

Stewardess – Are you a comedian?

Me – Yes

Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”

“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.

Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.

Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.

Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’

Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’

Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’

In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right

me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs

my children:

me:

my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you

Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.

“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”

*Googles my ex’s house*