“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
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The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
these can’t be my only options
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
My first son he is wonderful
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?
Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.