How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
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Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.