How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
You Might Also Like
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.
WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?
ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.
HER: Get out.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time
I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles
And guys you’re not going to believe this but….
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.