Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.

On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.

I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.

accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted

Nephew: What’s love?

Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.

Sister: Get away from him!

MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…

I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.

me: you’re killing it

my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say

[Produce Aisle]

Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.

*mouthful of like 20 grapes *

“That lady took one too!!”

I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me

Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.

I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.

Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?

Him: no. not like that.

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?

I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”

When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?

Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.

99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.

My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth

She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face

He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.

3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in

How was your morning?

i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head

Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream

*through a mouthful of Nutella*

Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.

Still writing HBO Max on my checks

I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.

Me: *rips pants bending over*

Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!

Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.

Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*

Me: *dies*

ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.

titanic

*at the gym*

Trainor: Have a donut.

Me: Wow! Sure!

T: Here’s some pizza.

M: What kind of trainer are you?

T: I’m a Megan Trainor.

Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?

Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.

Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.