Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.

M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.

Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.

[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.

Just know I tried.

I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”

My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.

I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.

RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.

I love twitter

My conscience is clean.

Alcohol is technically a solvent.

please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody

[Science Meeting, 1924]

Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check

“Let’s do it”

With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.

Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded

They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness

peeing after esex so i don’t get an hdmi

My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.

A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.

whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: *takes deep breath*

my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter

Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: With adjectives.

PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage

ME: (clearing throat)

BRIDE:

GROOM:

PRIEST:

ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now

I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.

Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed

This is amazing.

A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.

Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.

Stop talking trash about marine life!

Sharks are POWERFUL

Whales are GENTLE

Crabs are RESOURCEFUL

Jellyfish are PEACEFUL

Dolphins

Octopi are VERY SMART

Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.