How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
You Might Also Like
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
worst online experience has gotta be finding a reddit post that outlines your exact symptoms and every comment is like “you should go to the hospital” and someone says “any update OP?” but the OP hasnt posted in 5 years
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
🤪😜
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
just got my engagement photos
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck