How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
You Might Also Like
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked years ago.